Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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