I wish they made helmets for livers.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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