Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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