I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
