Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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