you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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