He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
