We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
