please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
