mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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