My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
