Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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