Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
