i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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