Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
