I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
