i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
