so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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