it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
