please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
