yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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