I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
