if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
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Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
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His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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