New invention idea: vibrating tampons
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
