Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
