Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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