My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
