Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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