I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
