hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize