i wish my penis had a tongue
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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