omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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