why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
