tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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