ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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