The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
