She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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