My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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