Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
