last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Randomize
