evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
