I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
