You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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