i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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