he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
