ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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