my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
