Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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