In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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