I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
