I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
What drink are we having for lunch?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
