did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
