I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
