my phone needs a breathalizer
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
