I smell stomach acid.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
