Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
