omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
