I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
