So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
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I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
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I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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