His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
