i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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